I’ll start with a disclaimer – I am ALL over the place in my life right now. I have absolutely no idea which way is up or down, and definitely no idea where I’ll be next week or a month from now in certain areas… wanna know why?
First of all, things with hot boy at work are pretty good, yet also pretty up and down. What do I mean by that? Well I would describe hot boy as passionate, smart, witty, hot (of course), and also quite immature. When things are good, they are really good. Lots of laughing, playful banter, making out, cuddling, enjoying eachother’s company. However, both he and I are very similar, and therefore we both have extremely strong personalities and also are pretty sensitive. We also feed off eachothers energy more than I ever have with anyone else. And did I mention he was immature? Yeah, also quite insecure at times too. Am I making sense? For example, if he came over and didn’t kiss me when he first walked in, I would act a little stand-offish, and because I was acting a bit distant, he would then completely become cold as well. However, if he came over and I made a point to hug and kiss him, he would be in a great mood, affectionate and sweet, and of course then so would I.
It’s the strangest thing, and I don’t even think I am doing the situation justice because it sounds so much better when I talk about it or think about it in my head. However, like I said, when things are good, they are great… and that’s why it makes it all worth it. Is hot boy someone who I could see as my future boyfriend? NO. But he for sure could be my “right now-rebound” guy… Let’s just hope feelings don’t get hurt.
In bigger news, last Monday C got back from his two month around the world trip and I knew that there was no more ignoring I could do regarding where we stood. On Tuesday, C met me outside of my office when I got to work so that I could give him his car key. I could tell he was a little withdrawn, not looking at me in the eyes, giving short answers, etc. I knew that he must have been going through some stuff, being that he was away for over two months and was just getting back into “reality”. I just tried to be cordial and sweet, hugged him and gave him his key.
The following evening he sent me a text, just something funny that made me laugh. So I texted him back. And he texted me back. I didn’t really feel like texting all night, or talking to him, so I tried to text him back short responses that would hopefully give him the sense that I was trying to end the conversation. Not so lucky. He text me “maybe you and I could get together for coffee, wine, cheese, or cupcakes?” (All of my favorite things. I wrote back “maybe next week? I’m pretty busy this week.” He immediately called me.
It was a long conversation and I wont bore you with the details. But, in a nutshell, C basically proposed to me. He said he felt like he was lost and was making a mistake, and now being back in LA and feeling like himself again, he feels like he is ready to take our relationship to the next level – marriage. Like, soon.
The tears were flowing, HEAVILY. Why? Not even so sure. Were they tears of joy? Absolutely not. More like tears of frustration, sadness, confusion. All I know is that I had NO response for him – no words. Not yes, not no. I just cried. He felt horrible for making me upset, but he just wanted me to know how he felt before it was “too late”. I still don’t truly get what that means. I mean, isn’t it too late already? We hung up with him saying that the ball is in my court.
I didn’t do anything about it for the rest of the week. First of all, I was busy and just couldn’t be bothered with it. Secondly, I had no idea what I would say. On Saturday morning, I woke up and went to the gym. The whole time during my run I was feeling sad about C. Sad that he had poured his heart out to me and I hardly spoke a word before we hung up, and then left him waiting for a few days with no response. (Sidenote: can I please STOP feeling guilty for other people when I have NO REASON TO????)
I sent him a text saying “just wanted you to know I haven’t forgotten about our conversation… I just dont really have much to say about it”. He immediately called me back. The conversation was good – light and easy, and he essentially told me that he felt bad about putting me in a strange position. He didn’t want to pressure me at all – just wanted to tell me how he felt and I could do with it what I want (yeah, thanks). He also told me that I could take 2 weeks or 10 months to go back to him, or never if I felt I didn’t have anything to tell him. He also agreed that he needs to live on his own, start his job and experience being single as I have these past few months before he can be sure where he stands. Regardless, I felt a lot better about the situation after that conversation… Now, all I have to do is figure out what or where I want my life to go… which path to choose.
Never did I think I would be so confused. My heart and head are in different places. My heart is saying that I don’t love him anymore, I’m already “out” of that mindset and I shouldn’t go back into the relationship. My head is saying that he was such an amazing boyfriend (obvi minus the few things) – supportive, loving, sweet, caring, and what if I never find that special guy again?
Either way, I have since decided that I’m not going to worry about it, or think about it too much. The right answer will come to me I’m sure. I’m just going to continue dating – whether it be hot boy or any new boys (there’s one prospect that I will tell you all more about it it actually amounts to anything). Or I’ll be alone. Which I need to learn to be okay with – you know, the scary thought of being alone on a Saturday night? Yeah, that. I need to be okay with not having a guy by my side at all times, be okay with not having a guy that likes me, that calls or texts me. That’s my current mission. Advice?
Life has been quite crazy the last few weeks. I mean, who would have thought that being single meant NEVER a) sleeping, b) staying in, or c) NOT DRINKING. Because, my friends, I have become a drinking, going out almost ever night insomniac!
OK, well that was a little exagerrated. But just a little.
Things, in general are pretty good. I mean, minus the occasional hiccup. The new hot boy and I are still seeing eachother – pretty often in fact – about 4 times a week OUTSIDE of work. Yes, I am aware that it’s a lot and probably not the healthiest thing in the world – but when something feels good and right at the time, it’s sorta kinda worth it, right? Right?
I know that the probability of it working out well is slim to none… if one of us ends it with the other it may be awkward considering we see each other ALL OF THE TIME at work… and yes, I know the saying “don’t shit where you eat”… well, apparently I enjoy doing that since I met two of my previous boyfriends at work.
But there is just something about hot boy. Sure, he’s hot and physically, definitely something I like… but he’s also witty, and funny, and smart, and challenges me. Something that I didn’t have too much of in my last relationship. Sure, C was nice and sweet and loving and supporting (all things that are essential and extremely important in a relationship), but at times our interactions and relationship in general lacked something – you know, that something that keeps you completely engaged and interested and excited and enthralled, etc…
Speaking of C, he came back to LA for a few hours last Thursday and stopped by my work to see me. We had briefly discussed where we stand now the day before I saw him on IM, and it seemed that we were both on the same page – he and I cannot date. At this point, it’s all or nothing… And at this point, neither he nor I feel like we’re ready for “all” – meaning marriage. I know that I definitely have learned a lot about myself and about what I feel I need in a relationship these past few weeks, and there is a strong chance that I will never be able to get back together with C knowing what I know now.
I also failed to mention that I am dating someone else. There were a few reasons for that – first of all, I wasn’t going to tell him while he was across the world, and I wasn’t going to tell him the whole story when he was here for 5 minutes. I figure that when he moves back to LA and if he wants to get involved again, he will have to know. What do you guys suggest? Tell him or no?
SO that is my life right now… filled with excitement, fun, and a good amount of sex. There, I said it. BTW, also wanted to mention I still read your blogs – don’t always comment but I am definitely still reading them… 
