New Beginnings – A Fresh Start

I’ll start with a disclaimer – I am ALL over the place in my life right now.  I have absolutely no idea which way is up or down, and definitely no idea where I’ll be next week or a month from now in certain areas… wanna know why?  

First of all, things with hot boy at work are pretty good, yet also pretty up and down.  What do I mean by that?  Well I would describe hot boy as passionate, smart, witty, hot (of course), and also quite immature.  When things are good, they are really good.  Lots of laughing, playful banter, making out, cuddling, enjoying eachother’s company.  However, both he and I are very similar, and therefore we both have extremely strong personalities and also are pretty sensitive.  We also feed off eachothers energy more than I ever have with anyone else.  And did I mention he was immature?  Yeah, also quite insecure at times too.  Am I making sense?  For example, if he came over and didn’t kiss me when he first walked in, I would act a little stand-offish, and because I was acting a bit distant, he would then completely become cold as well.  However, if he came over and I made a point to hug and kiss him, he would be in a great mood, affectionate and sweet, and of course then so would I.  

It’s the strangest thing, and I don’t even think I am doing the situation justice because it sounds so much better when I talk about it or think about it in my head.  However, like I said, when things are good, they are great… and that’s why it makes it all worth it.  Is hot boy someone who I could see as my future boyfriend?  NO.  But he for sure could be my “right now-rebound” guy…  Let’s just hope feelings don’t get hurt.  

In bigger news, last Monday C got back from his two month around the world trip and I knew that there was no more ignoring I could do regarding where we stood.  On Tuesday, C met me outside of my office when I got to work so that I could give him his car key.  I could tell he was a little withdrawn, not looking at me in the eyes, giving short answers, etc.  I knew that he must have been going through some stuff, being that he was away for over two months and was just getting back into “reality”.  I just tried to be cordial and sweet, hugged him and gave him his key.

The following evening he sent me a text, just something funny that made me laugh.  So I texted him back.  And he texted me back.  I didn’t really feel like texting all night, or talking to him, so I tried to text him back short responses that would hopefully give him the sense that I was trying to end the conversation.  Not so lucky.  He text me “maybe you and I could get together for coffee, wine, cheese, or cupcakes?”  (All of my favorite things.  I wrote back “maybe next week?  I’m pretty busy this week.”  He immediately called me.  

It was a long conversation and I wont bore you with the details.  But, in a nutshell, C basically proposed to me.  He said he felt like he was lost and was making a mistake, and now being back in LA and feeling like himself again, he feels like he is ready to take our relationship to the next level – marriage.  Like, soon.

The tears were flowing, HEAVILY.  Why?  Not even so sure.  Were they tears of joy?  Absolutely not.  More like tears of frustration, sadness, confusion.  All I know is that I had NO response for him – no words.  Not yes, not no.  I just cried.  He felt horrible for making me upset, but he just wanted me to know how he felt before it was “too late”.  I still don’t truly get what that means.  I mean, isn’t it too late already?  We hung up with him saying that the ball is in my court.

I didn’t do anything about it for the rest of the week.  First of all, I was busy and just couldn’t be bothered with it.  Secondly, I had no idea what I would say.  On Saturday morning, I woke up and went to the gym. The whole time during my run I was feeling sad about C.  Sad that he had poured his heart out to me and I hardly spoke a word before we hung up, and then left him waiting for a few days with no response.  (Sidenote: can I please STOP feeling guilty for other people when I have NO REASON TO????)

I sent him a text saying “just wanted you to know I haven’t forgotten about our conversation… I just dont really have much to say about it”.  He immediately called me back.  The conversation was good – light and easy, and he essentially told me that he felt bad about putting me in a strange position.  He didn’t want to pressure me at all – just wanted to tell me how he felt and I could do with it what I want (yeah, thanks).  He also told me that I could take 2 weeks or 10 months to go back to him, or never if I felt I didn’t have anything to tell him.  He also agreed that he needs to live on his own, start his job and experience being single as I have these past few months before he can be sure where he stands.  Regardless, I felt a lot better about the situation after that conversation…  Now, all I have to do is figure out what or where I want my life to go… which path to choose.

Never did I think I would be so confused.  My heart and head are in different places.  My heart is saying that I don’t love him anymore, I’m already “out” of that mindset and I shouldn’t go back into the relationship.  My head is saying that he was such an amazing boyfriend (obvi minus the few things) – supportive, loving, sweet, caring, and what if I never find that special guy again?

Either way, I have since decided that I’m not going to worry about it, or think about it too much.  The right answer will come to me I’m sure.  I’m just going to continue dating – whether it be hot boy or any new boys (there’s one prospect that I will tell you all more about it it actually amounts to anything).  Or I’ll be alone.  Which I need to learn to be okay with – you know, the scary thought of being alone on a Saturday night?  Yeah, that.  I need to be okay with not having a guy by my side at all times, be okay with not having a guy that likes me, that calls or texts me.  That’s my current mission.  Advice?