New Beginnings – A Fresh Start

So I was about 95% sure I was over it.  Over the past, over the relationship with C, over the prospect of us ever getting back together, over it all.  Sure, the conversation that we had when he wanted to get back together and move our relationship to the next level stirred up some pretty strong and obviously still raw emotions, but almost immediately after, I had found myself back at the place I was before the phone call – happy with hot work boy, enjoying being single, and taking the “ignorance is bliss” stance.  

Meanwhile, things were going really, really well with hot work boy.  We spent the ENTIRE weekend together a couple of weeks back – from Friday night to Monday morning.  We had great meals, went on a beautiful drive up the coast, had margaritas, went out with friends, laughed, had great sex (and A LOT of it), and just had an all around good time.  We have similar personalities and tend to butt heads sometimes but both of us made a conscious choice not to and it worked out wonderfully.  

The following Monday I met him out with his friends to go see a comedy show and when he walked me to my car we stood there kissing like teenagers.  It was so great.

The following night he asked me if he could take me out to dinner.  We went to this great tapas restaurant, shared an amazing bottle of wine and noshed on awesome bites, but the whole time I felt like I had to pinch myself.  This guy made me feel alive.  I LOVE talking to him, and love the way he looks at me, and also, on top of that, think he is GORGEOUS.  Just as I was thinking all of this to myself, he looked at me and told me that he thinks I am beautiful, and feels so lucky to have met me.  My heart practically melted.  

Sounds great, huh?

Well it was.  Then things started to just be off a bit.  We spent the rest of the week apart, as I had to teach and dinners and plans, and over this last weekend he went back home to visit his family (did I mention his family lives 30 minutes away from C’s family in Northern Illinois?? – How FUCKED is that?).  Friday night I stopped at Best Buy to pick up a DVD before meeting my family for dinner and walking through the aisles, I got blown over my an insanely strong wind of emotion – I missed C.  There, at Best Buy of all places, I almost started to cry.

The next day I text C to congratulate him on signing his new lease (thank you Facebook).  We text back and forth a few times until I got the inevitable text – “when are we having dinner?”  I sat there, staring at it for a long time, wrestling with my thoughts.  Did I really want to see him or was I just missing him because hot boy was gone?  Am I really that girl that can’t be alone without a man in my life at all times?  Was I really ready to sit one-on-one with C, and deal with everything that that would bring into my life?  Or did I want to continue in my “ignorance is bliss” ways?

After about an hour, I text him back that I would be free this Tuesday to see him.  He immediately called me, extremely excited, and asked me where I would want to go.  We decided on a casual place and before I knew it, it was Tuesday at 7 pm.

I got to the restaurant and was highly anxious.  No idea why.  I didn’t feel nervous, but sitting there I started to get shaky and wonder what I was getting myself into.  I was worried he would come in and be the same depressed C that I had lived with for the past year, and I would find myself comforting him and being his cheerleader.  Wow was I wrong.

He walked in and looked great.  New haircut, tanned, new shirt.  I immediately complimented him on his shirt because it really was that hot and he said he got it specifically because he knew I would like it.  We sat down, ordered some sake and sushi and jumped right into conversation.  Nothing serious, just a bit about his new job, and my job, and his new apt, and my apt, and our families, and just the normal stuff you talk about with old friends.  I laughed an insane amount which was pretty interesting – I never remembered C making me laugh like he did that night.  And the whole time we sat there, even through the laughter I was holding back tears.  Why?  Who knows.  There was just something about the happy, wonderful dinner that made me sad.

It was only when he half-jokingly asked me if I had any tips about living alone that I couldn’t help it – tears just started flowing.  Hard.  He felt so bad because he didn’t think I was going to cry, and then he told me something that made me stop crying – something so mature and sweet – he said that no matter what decision I make, no matter what ends up happening between us, he always wants to be my friend.  

Since then I have been acting quite distant from hot boy.  I don’t know why, because I in no way have made any decisions or feel any closer to making a decision on what I feel and what I should do.  Being with C that night was so much fun and great and truly did make me happy – but I still don’t feel like that makes me want to get back together with him. And hot boy?  We’ll just have to see where that goes.