New Beginnings – A Fresh Start

The other day I was having a conversation about something that happened last year when I was stopped mid-sentence to be told that I have an incredible memory with chronological order – or something like that.  I don’t disagree.  For whatever reason, in a situation, like dating or a job or a vacation, I will remember every week, almost every day to a fault.  Especially when it comes to dating.  This could very easily be because I am the world’s BIGGEST overthinker and overanalyzer, and I will literally lay in bed, daydream while driving to work, or stare at the wall thinking about the timeline of the situation.

For that reason, I will recap my last “chapter” of my life by explaining month to month.

JULY

I was still dating hot boy.  Things were going pretty well – actually, I should say great when things were good, but pretty shitty when things were bad… examples to follow.   I did know I enjoyed spending time with him for the most part – hell, sometimes I was even able to admit to myself that being with him was better than being alone on a Saturday night.  I suppose you could say I never really truly fell for him, but the sex was great and he was fun to look at among some other things.  

However, I always was left with a strange feeling when with him.  Almost like I knew he liked me, yet I always felt alone.  An example is around the 4th of July.  At this point we had been dating for 1 1/2 months and we were spending most of our weeks together.  I remember it was the 3rd and he still hadn’t asked me what I was doing for the holiday.  I could have made other plans but I really liked him at the time and was hoping I would be able to spend it with him.  A bunch of us from work went out for drinks after work and after 1 or 2 hours, hot boy was getting ready to go to meet some of his friends.  He looked at me, gave me a hug and said “have a nice weekend”.  I remember being floored – wait, was he really not going to want to spend the 4th with me??  An hour or two later as I drove home, I couldn’t help but call him and confront him (I’m sure the tequila didn’t really help my willpower).  He wasn’t being overly nice or sympathetic to my disappointment, but he did say “my friends and I haven’t made any solid plans for tomorrow but you’re more than welcome to join if you want”.  You can imagine how shitty that made me feel.  Like, thanks dude, I’m welcome to join – but do you WANT  me to come?  I had too much pride at that moment to tell him that I would hang with him so I said I wasn’t sure and that we’d talk later.

I remember getting home that evening and breaking down in tears.  OMFG I was single and this was the first holiday that I would have to fend for myself.  Sure, I knew of certain parties and bbq’s that  I was invited to but I wanted to spend it with the guy that I was dating!  After a couple of hours of talking things out with my mom and a girlfriend, I came to a realization – this man, this hot boy was not a replacement to C.  He was a guy whom I was casually dating, and he hardly owed me anything.  It’s almost like I realized it all at once.  Hot boy called me that evening and was acting really sweet.  He apologized for not thinking about inviting me – he’s a guy that doesn’t plan things, he thought I was obviously gonna hang with him, yadda yadda, blah blah blah.  I told him right then that I realized he doesn’t owe me anything and if I learned one thing that evening, it was to not have any expectations when it came to him.  He text me that evening “I never said I didn’t want you to expect anything from me – I want you to have expectations and I want to meet them”.  

The next day he surprised me in the morning with coffee and a bagel.  We spent the 4th going from party to party and it was a great day all around – minus some bickering here and there (did I mention we bickered in our relationship?  No, scratch that.  We FOUGHT – a lot).  We went to bed naked in each other’s arms and I woke up the next morning on Saturday feeling really happy – excited for what we would do the rest of the weekend.  Except that wasn’t the case.  He woke up and after some coffee, he put on his clothes and wished me a great weekend.  

So after all of that? I spent my Saturday night alone.

Basically, in the beginning-ish of our relationship when I really liked him, I found myself being left hanging a lot.  I felt there was a lot of waiting around for him to call, or come over, or ask me to hang out (of course things ended up changing later just as I started to like him less – isn’t that always how it works?).

Of course we still had a lot of fun and laughs and how can I forget the sex, but we would consistently get into arguments.  He was passionate – SUPER passionate, and we wouldn’t be able to hold back when it came to each other.  It was either full on lust/love/whatever you want to call it, or anger, fighting, tears.  The whole thing.  We would literally have to make a pact to not fight on a given day and even then we would find some way to be sensitive about something that one of us said, which would turn to being defensive and then of course ANGRY.