Let’s just hope that it’s for good this time.
Over the last few days I have contemplated getting back into my blog – when I was writing I felt it was really helping me sort my thoughts and my overly saturated mind. I have a few reservations : the commitment to writing (apparently I’m scared of commitment?) and the fact that some of the people that read my blog are now friends – whether I’ve met them in person or even on facebook. Either way, it’s a bit scary for me to put it all out on the table – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because believe me, there has been a LOT of all of that in the past few months since I last wrote.
I also feel that most of the people that I am friends with outside of my blog also have loved me and supported me through everything that they have heard before – and for that I will continue to be honest (although judgement can and probably will arise) and totally real. In fact, it kind of shocks me how much I haven’t actually written about – for fear of judgement from anyone out there, but especially me. Oh well, what’s in the past is in the past and it’s all a part of me, my backstory, my life. There’s no reason to hold back…
Life has been quite crazy the last few weeks. I mean, who would have thought that being single meant NEVER a) sleeping, b) staying in, or c) NOT DRINKING. Because, my friends, I have become a drinking, going out almost ever night insomniac!
OK, well that was a little exagerrated. But just a little.
Things, in general are pretty good. I mean, minus the occasional hiccup. The new hot boy and I are still seeing eachother – pretty often in fact – about 4 times a week OUTSIDE of work. Yes, I am aware that it’s a lot and probably not the healthiest thing in the world – but when something feels good and right at the time, it’s sorta kinda worth it, right? Right?
I know that the probability of it working out well is slim to none… if one of us ends it with the other it may be awkward considering we see each other ALL OF THE TIME at work… and yes, I know the saying “don’t shit where you eat”… well, apparently I enjoy doing that since I met two of my previous boyfriends at work.
But there is just something about hot boy. Sure, he’s hot and physically, definitely something I like… but he’s also witty, and funny, and smart, and challenges me. Something that I didn’t have too much of in my last relationship. Sure, C was nice and sweet and loving and supporting (all things that are essential and extremely important in a relationship), but at times our interactions and relationship in general lacked something – you know, that something that keeps you completely engaged and interested and excited and enthralled, etc…
Speaking of C, he came back to LA for a few hours last Thursday and stopped by my work to see me. We had briefly discussed where we stand now the day before I saw him on IM, and it seemed that we were both on the same page – he and I cannot date. At this point, it’s all or nothing… And at this point, neither he nor I feel like we’re ready for “all” – meaning marriage. I know that I definitely have learned a lot about myself and about what I feel I need in a relationship these past few weeks, and there is a strong chance that I will never be able to get back together with C knowing what I know now.
I also failed to mention that I am dating someone else. There were a few reasons for that – first of all, I wasn’t going to tell him while he was across the world, and I wasn’t going to tell him the whole story when he was here for 5 minutes. I figure that when he moves back to LA and if he wants to get involved again, he will have to know. What do you guys suggest? Tell him or no?
SO that is my life right now… filled with excitement, fun, and a good amount of sex. There, I said it. BTW, also wanted to mention I still read your blogs – don’t always comment but I am definitely still reading them… 
Where to even begin… my life has been so ridiculously busy and crazy, and I just haven’t had the energy and/or time to post at all. Here’s a recap of whats been going on:
- C and I have been keeping in touch here and there thru email. Mostly though, I catch up on his life on Facebook, of all things. The last email he sent me, he sounded fairly happy until he brought up that my changing my status on Facebook to “single” really hurt him. I emailed him back and told him that these kinds of things dont really matter… but what matters is that we see how happy we can be on our own. I also told him that I didn’t realize how stressful the past few months were when we were deciding the course of our relationship until I moved out and he left town. It was only then that I could feel like I could BREATHE. That email was sent a week ago and he hasn’t sent me one back yet. The only way I can see what he is up to is through Facebook, where the last 15 or so new friends of his have been girls. Very inneresting…
- Not that I’m jealous – because I’m really not. In fact, I have kinda been hanging out with this guy at work. There could potentially be many problems with this. First of all, he is in a lower position at work which I know shouldn’t be wierd but it is a bit for me. Also, we work together. COULD BE A PROBLEM. But, omigod is he hot and sooooo sexy. And we laugh – like all the time. And conversation? NEVER a problem. It just works. But there are some fears on both of our ends about not getting too involved, or feelings getting too strong because a) I just got out of my relationship b) we work together… ugh – why cant things ever just be easy!
- I still LOVE my apartment and love living alone – although I have to admit that I haven’t spent too many days alone there at night. I have just been SO busy every night that I think I have only had about two or three nights after work where I go home to just my dvr. I’m kinda craving that tonight actually.
- In general, my spirits have been high. The only downer to all of this “single” stuff is I find that I have spent more money, drank more alcohol, and slept less hours than I have in a LONG time!
This week has actually been pretty incredible, considering where I thought it might have been with the weekend being so sad and all. But it was good, and suuuper busy, and here we are at Friday (a rainy one at that) and I din’t even know how it happened.
Monday night was dinner for one of my little sister’s bday (she’s 16 – holy shit!), Tuesday night was dinner with a girlfriend (more on that in a second), Wednesday night was teaching a workshop, last night was my first quiet night, and tonight is a late night at work cause we’re taping.
SO, dinner with my friend on Tuesday. This is a girl who I just recently met – only 2 months ago, but we hit it off instantly. She actually is the wife of one of C’s coworkers and great friends, which made me initially concerned if we would ever talk again in light of the recent events. However, the night that C got together with her husband and filled him in on everything, I got a facebook message from her asking if we could get together. I was so happy.
We met at this great sushi restaurant and after a few minutes of quickly shooting the shit, we dove right into the obvious elephant in the room – the breakup. I told her what the last year of my life was like in the relationship which led to where we are now, since she had absolutely NO idea because when we had dinner with them a month ago, all was great. I told her that surprisingly, there was never anger, or animosity, mostly just sadness but always love. She didn’t know how I could do that and continue to stay so strong. To be honest, I don’t either. It actually blows my mind that minus a few minutes here and there of sadness, I’ve been pretty even keel – even happy.
Last night was the first night since I moved out that I had not one plan. I had planned on going to a party with my sister and her husband but that fell through. So I found myself driving home at 7 pm on a somewhat rainy night listening to sad music feeling, well, lonely I guess. I forced myself to get out of that negative place so I did what I love – went to Trader Joe’s, picked up some yummy ingredients, and made myself a healthy dinner while watching some good TV. Who would have thought I could get out of my bad mood so easily? This morning I woke up to a great email from C (I kinda was wondering if he was still alive…). He is doing fantastic, is meeting all sorts of people, traveling all around and even went skydiving! I had a smile on my face the whole time and it was great to not only hear from him but hear that he’s doing so well!
This weekend should be nice. I tried to make a lot of plans because I know that weekends tend to be more depressing for me. Tonight is a late night at work but a lot of my family is coming to see the show so that should make it even better. Tomorrow I am running errands and going out with my friend and her boyfriend and his friends at night. Sunday is just lazing around and hanging with my little sister at night for dinner and a movie. Finally, Monday is bbq at my sister’s!
Have a happy long Memorial weekend all!!!
