New Beginnings – A Fresh Start

Last night C came over.  I know many people would think that that was a bad move, but in my case I kinda had no other choice. 

See, I left the apartment in a kinda hurry last weekend.  I was overly emotional, and really just wanted to get the HELL out of there.  All of his stuff was still there so it made it pretty difficult to get all of my stuff out.  These last couple of days, C has been really going through everything since he leaves on Sunday and needs the apartment to be completely empty by then.

Almost every few hours I get a call from C asking if I need this or that, whatever he keeps finding in the closets, under the bed, etc.  We have both been busy these last few days, and I am busy both tonight and tomorrow night, so for whatever reason, we decided to meet on Thursday night so that he could give me some stuff and so we could grab a bite and catch up.  I mean, we have been together for over 4.5 years and he is leaving for approx 2 months so it only feels natural to want to spend a little more time together before he leaves.

Yesterday at work he asked me if I wanted him to just meet me at my place so he could drop off my stuff and then we could go grab a bite.  My initial thought was no – I mean, what if he sees my really cute apartment and gets really sad and then of course I’ll get really sad and then… or what if he sees my apartment and is fine but every single day from now on I’ll come home and remember the time he hung out on my couch and get really sad?  There were A LOT of what if’s.  So I point blank told him that if he was gonna be sad it probably isn’t worth it.  He promised he wouldn’t get sad, in fact it would make him feel better to know that I am in a good place. 

That’s exactly what happened.  When he first walked in, he was in shock at how beautiful my mom made it look in such a short time.  Then, I could tell he seemed relieved that it was pretty and clean and safe and most importantly, COOL (um, it’s like a bajillion degrees here in LA today).  After a few minutes we took a walk to grab some dinner, and sitting at the sushi bar almost felt like old times.  We laughed, drank sake, and even hugged and kissed a bit.  But it wasn’t awkward or strange, as wierd as that may sound.

After dinner, he came back upstairs and we ate frozen yogurt while watching the Office.  Yes, it was a new location, but it really felt like old times.  And it was nice.  When we said goodbye I had a quick second of sadness, but it all went away when I asked him if he was sad and he said completely truthfully that he wasn’t.  It automatically made me feel better.

I see him one last time on Sunday when I take him to the airport (I offered).  Both my mom (who has been so integral in my life these last few weeks) and C leave for extended periods of time on Sunday, so I can almost assure that that will be a sad night for me.  I guess I should make some backup plans in case I don’t feel like sitting at home on a Sunday night wallowing in my tears.  Anyone want to come out to LA to make me feel better?  Come on, there will be wine!

One last thing, my sister just posted the following on her blog and I think it’s a great idea… so – VOTE! 

My mom owns a beautiful, intimate skin care salon in Los Angeles. After taking some time off from work (working with her husband, and to heal a broken foot), she put a lot of effort into rejuvenating her business. So far, it’s been wonderful! She was recently featured on ABC news as an affordable spa for Mother’s Day, and she won 2nd place (via votes) and won the editorial review on Citysearch’s poll for “Best affordable spa.” Go mom!

The link is: http://losangeles.citysearch.com/bestof/winners/facials

And her spa is “Miri Mandel Skinworks.”

I would really appreciate your vote!!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

A couple of mornings after we saw a therapist, I couldn’t handle it anymore – I needed to know what we were going to do.  I was bent over blow-drying my hair when he came into the bathroom.  I stopped blowdrying, looked at him, and just asked… “so – should we talk about this or not?”

Cut to three hours of ridiculous amounts of tears on both of our parts.  It was honestly the most intense conversation I have ever had in my life.  We would cry, and then hug, and then kiss, and then cry, and then laugh, and then hug, and then freak out cause are we really doing this?  And then it was discussed – and I went to work.  Incredibly surreal.

The next couple of days were a blur.  I would feel good that I made the right decision, followed by incredibly HUGE waves of sadness and emptiness and fear and the worst of all: guilt.  I had HORRIBLE guilt, which only until yesterday have I been able to kinda let go of.  For whatever reason, even though I ultimately made the decision to take the break, it was very mutual and was also due to his LACK of decision.  However, I could not let go of the idea that I did this to him – I was leaving a somewhat depressed, lost guy alone, almost abandoning him… and it KILLED me.

These last couple of weeks have been so…odd.  C traveled a bit, which saved me since I didn’t know how I could handle coming home and seeing him.  Meanwhile, I found a new apartment and I move tomorrow morning. 

There have been days that have worked out remarkably well.  I feel pretty good and almost happy, and I come home to a not completely depressed C.  There have been horrible days where I seriously question if this was a good enough reason to break up.  I mean, we get along and love eachother and enjoy eachother’s company… but he isn’t able to tell me what he wants with me – or with anything else in his life.

Last night, I got home and saw C almost happy.  I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he finally booked a flight for himself – where he will be traveling through New Zealand and Australia for 6 weeks, and then straight to Denver where he will spend the 4th of July with family, and then on a baseball game road trip.  He was nervous about it, understandably, but excited too – and that was just so good to see.  It made me feel a bit less guilty, and almost happy  for him.  Also, being apart wont be as difficult if we are in different countries – if he were just a couple of minutes away I feel like we wouldn’t be able to physically stay apart for too long… it’s just too easy to be together.

So, that is that.  I have absolutely no idea what the future holds – with C or without.  Neither of us are writing off the idea of possibly getting back together in the future… that is if he gets his life together and figures out what he really wants… and I’m in the place in my life where I want to get back together.  Obviously the unknown is incredibly scary, BUT, I have never ever lived alone and I am welcoming it with open arms.  That’s because even though C was the one that got all of the pressure?  I also have some growing up to do I’m sure.

My initial reaction to the cruise job was mixed.  I so wanted him to get a job, because I knew that not working was driving him (and me) mad, but I also fully, completely did NOT want him to get the job.  The idea of him being away from me for 3 full months, where there is minimum phone and internet access, made me so nervous and scared.  Then, it turned to anger.  I was angry with him that out of ALL of the jobs in LA (which is the center of this industry), he applies to one – a job that takes him away from me.  Also, why didn’t he want to have a serious conversation about it until he actually had the real possibillity of getting the job?  Wasn’t applying for it enough of an obvious reason to have “that” conversation? And finally, I was so frustrated that he seriously was even considering taking a job like that in the state that we were in.  We were already on such shaky ground that this job would either make or break us.

He got the first interview and part of me didn’t even want to know details.  It was only after he got a second interview that I started to realize that this was an actual possibility and HOLY SHIT is C really going on this cruise?  All of a sudden, my thoughts and feelings about it changed.  After speaking to those close to me and thinking about the way our relationship was headed, I began to feel that maybe, just maybe, we needed this break.  The last few months were very eye-opening to me.  I never knew qualities that C had in 4 years of dating that I all of a sudden figured out.  I was feeling that he lacked drive, ambition, purpose.  He was content not looking for a job and not figuring out his future.  Basically, he was scared to grow up and that in itself made me start to really wonder – Is C who I want in a husband? 

So this cruise job would be perfect: he would go away for three months and I would be able to be alone and figure out if C was really who I wanted to be with anymore.  C, meanwhile, could be away from me and figure out if he a) wanted to marry me and live in LA (most likely) forever, or b) travel, take jobs around the world, change careers, be single, etc…  I was prepared for anything – and actually, looking forward to C getting this job.

After what seemed like forever, C found out that his quote was too high and they were giving the job to someone who would do it for less.  When he shared the news with me, we were both obviously depressed.  He was for not getting the job, and I was because I was SO looking forward to my own space and giving him his own (which I don’t think he realized at the time how badly he needed it but he so did). 

We had our first couples therapy appt. scheduled for that night and I wanted nothing to do with it.  On a sidenote, I’m ALL about therapy… I think it’s a very useful tool.  If C would have asked me one month prior to go with him to his therapist, I would have been so happy because I feel like sometimes, you just need an unbiased, third party to help with issues.  However, on this particular evening, I knew the next hour would be a waste of time and money because in the back of my mind?  I knew the breakup was just around the corner.

After spending about 16 hours crying in one day, I made it very clear to C that I thought we maybe needed to break up.  He was incredibly adamant that no, he didn’t want to lose me and he was going to try his hardest to work on his issues so that he could figure out what was wrong.  I told him pretty cut and dry that if I didn’t see that he was actively working on himself (i.e. talking to someone, preferably a therapist or his family, buying books, and actively making decisions) then I would leave.

The following day he found a therapist.

It was on his bday, March 10, when he had his first appointment.  We sat there, at a beautiful romantic restaurant that evening after a really long day for me (at work) and I asked him what the first appointment was all about.  After a whole long dialogue about the fact that he cannot make any decisions for most of his life (uh, news to me), he told me that the main thing that his therapist left him with was that he just needed to focus on GETTING  A JOB.  I took a deep breath – at least his therapist and I were on the same page.

The following weekend  we had a big decision to make.  The condo that we were pretty much planning to move into would be ready on April 15, so by March 15th, we had to make our final decision and give in our 30 day notice.  It was March 16th and I was scared to bring it up because I just knew that another depressing conversation was going to come up.  It was a Sunday morning, and we were walking back from getting coffee when I just brought it up.  He stopped in his tracks, turned to me, and pretty clearly said that he really didn’t think it was good timing considering what was going on between us. 

I held in the tears, but was also a bit relieved since I a) saw it coming and b) knew that he was right.  There was no reason we should move into a new place when he wasn’t able to give me a commitment.  I just didn’t want to admit that to myself.  I was feeling a bit down until later that day, when he told me he was making all kinds of moves towards job searching, and that he felt strongly he would be able to find a job soon.  I felt very hopeful.

The following morning, I came into work happy.  I knew in the bottom of my heart that we would be ok.  I felt positive and optimistic that he would find a job sooner rather than later, and once he started working, he would get back on track.  I somehow tried to block out the fact that even when he was working in a stable job a few months before, he still wasn’t ready to move forward in our relationship.  But I wasn’t listening to my inner fears.

That afternoon, I heard from C.  He was referred to a great producing job.  I was SO EXCITED!!! I asked him to tell me more about it.  “It’s a 3 month gig producing a morning talk show on a cruise ship”, he said excitedly.  I told him I didn’t understand – would he be working out of LA offices?  “No – I will be on a ship in the Carribean for 3 months.”  I still couldn’t really believe what I was hearing.  I asked him to forward me the email that described the job.  I read through it and caught bits and pieces: 3 months on ship, morning talk show, producing, editing, etc.  And finally, the most essential part of the job info: “This position is most likely for the unattached, as it will take you away from land for approx. 3 full months, maybe more”.

It was in that moment – the moment that he told me with actual enthusiasm (he hadn’t had any of that in a while) that he was going to apply for the job – that I finally gave up.  I just got over trying to make the relationship work. 

I guess “starting over” isn’t fully true.  Yes, I still am who I am.  I still have the same job, same hair color, same car, etc.  But one thing, the one thing that has been a stable in my life for the last 4 years and 9 months, or 57 months, or 1,510-ish days will be no longer.

Sorry if that sounds dramatic.

Well, there is a lot of drama surrounding this break-up (what I call it) and separation (what he calls it).  I don’t have the energy to write it all today so over the next few days I’ll get through it all.  More than ever do I realize how important it is that I can write my feelings out to you peeps, who honestly gave me a wonderful sense of support in the past. 

So, here’s to new beginnings!