New Beginnings – A Fresh Start

So I was about 95% sure I was over it.  Over the past, over the relationship with C, over the prospect of us ever getting back together, over it all.  Sure, the conversation that we had when he wanted to get back together and move our relationship to the next level stirred up some pretty strong and obviously still raw emotions, but almost immediately after, I had found myself back at the place I was before the phone call – happy with hot work boy, enjoying being single, and taking the “ignorance is bliss” stance.  

Meanwhile, things were going really, really well with hot work boy.  We spent the ENTIRE weekend together a couple of weeks back – from Friday night to Monday morning.  We had great meals, went on a beautiful drive up the coast, had margaritas, went out with friends, laughed, had great sex (and A LOT of it), and just had an all around good time.  We have similar personalities and tend to butt heads sometimes but both of us made a conscious choice not to and it worked out wonderfully.  

The following Monday I met him out with his friends to go see a comedy show and when he walked me to my car we stood there kissing like teenagers.  It was so great.

The following night he asked me if he could take me out to dinner.  We went to this great tapas restaurant, shared an amazing bottle of wine and noshed on awesome bites, but the whole time I felt like I had to pinch myself.  This guy made me feel alive.  I LOVE talking to him, and love the way he looks at me, and also, on top of that, think he is GORGEOUS.  Just as I was thinking all of this to myself, he looked at me and told me that he thinks I am beautiful, and feels so lucky to have met me.  My heart practically melted.  

Sounds great, huh?

Well it was.  Then things started to just be off a bit.  We spent the rest of the week apart, as I had to teach and dinners and plans, and over this last weekend he went back home to visit his family (did I mention his family lives 30 minutes away from C’s family in Northern Illinois?? – How FUCKED is that?).  Friday night I stopped at Best Buy to pick up a DVD before meeting my family for dinner and walking through the aisles, I got blown over my an insanely strong wind of emotion – I missed C.  There, at Best Buy of all places, I almost started to cry.

The next day I text C to congratulate him on signing his new lease (thank you Facebook).  We text back and forth a few times until I got the inevitable text – “when are we having dinner?”  I sat there, staring at it for a long time, wrestling with my thoughts.  Did I really want to see him or was I just missing him because hot boy was gone?  Am I really that girl that can’t be alone without a man in my life at all times?  Was I really ready to sit one-on-one with C, and deal with everything that that would bring into my life?  Or did I want to continue in my “ignorance is bliss” ways?

After about an hour, I text him back that I would be free this Tuesday to see him.  He immediately called me, extremely excited, and asked me where I would want to go.  We decided on a casual place and before I knew it, it was Tuesday at 7 pm.

I got to the restaurant and was highly anxious.  No idea why.  I didn’t feel nervous, but sitting there I started to get shaky and wonder what I was getting myself into.  I was worried he would come in and be the same depressed C that I had lived with for the past year, and I would find myself comforting him and being his cheerleader.  Wow was I wrong.

He walked in and looked great.  New haircut, tanned, new shirt.  I immediately complimented him on his shirt because it really was that hot and he said he got it specifically because he knew I would like it.  We sat down, ordered some sake and sushi and jumped right into conversation.  Nothing serious, just a bit about his new job, and my job, and his new apt, and my apt, and our families, and just the normal stuff you talk about with old friends.  I laughed an insane amount which was pretty interesting – I never remembered C making me laugh like he did that night.  And the whole time we sat there, even through the laughter I was holding back tears.  Why?  Who knows.  There was just something about the happy, wonderful dinner that made me sad.

It was only when he half-jokingly asked me if I had any tips about living alone that I couldn’t help it – tears just started flowing.  Hard.  He felt so bad because he didn’t think I was going to cry, and then he told me something that made me stop crying – something so mature and sweet – he said that no matter what decision I make, no matter what ends up happening between us, he always wants to be my friend.  

Since then I have been acting quite distant from hot boy.  I don’t know why, because I in no way have made any decisions or feel any closer to making a decision on what I feel and what I should do.  Being with C that night was so much fun and great and truly did make me happy – but I still don’t feel like that makes me want to get back together with him. And hot boy?  We’ll just have to see where that goes.

SO I’m finally moved in.  Actually, tonight will be my 4th night sleeping in my brand new apartment… and for the most part – I LOVE IT!  However, the weekend was mostly very difficult, starting with a VERY emotional Friday night.

I was doing pretty well all day at work – feeling good and busy and I guess, distracted.  Even went I first got home that night I felt ok.  Even though it was my last night sleeping in our apartment, I just focused on the packing that had to be done while casually chatting with C and drinking some wine.  It almost seemed surreal that I was packing to leave our apartment- our relationship even.  We were chatting and laughing as if the two of us were going to make the move the following morning – as if we were going somewhere  together.

It only got really hard when I was ready to go to bed.  It was just then when it hit the both of us – this was our last night together (as far as we know).  It was heart wrenching.  Even writing it now still makes my heart hurt.  I don’t even know exactly what we were crying about – was it breaking up?  Or actually going to sleep the following night alone?  Who knows exactly – but it lead to about 2 hours of very emotional crying.

My sleep that night was horrible, as expected.  I woke up Saturday morning at 6 am (that seems to be a pattern these days) and started to get my stuff together as the movers were coming at 8.  I made sure to wake C up a half hour before they got there  so that he didn’t have to literally watch me move out.  The next 12 hours were a blur of tears, boxes, and a horrible feeling of “did I really just do that??”

Sunday morning I found myself actually waking up excited and happy.  I couldn’t wait to open my bedroom door and see my fantastically beautiful kitchen.  No joke guys – it’s GORGEOUS.  It was Mother’s Day so my mom picked me up and we went over to my sister’s for brunch, followed by a “quick” trip to IKEA where I walked out $567 poorer.  What is up with that store?  You CANNOT just buy one thing!  It’s worse than Target!

Now it’s Tuesday night and it’s actually one of the first times I have been home for a substantial amount of time where there haven’t been many distractions.  I don’t know exactly how I feel with everything going on.  Sure, I’m incredibly sad when I think of what I used to have with C or think about where we could have been now.  But I have also spoken to C every night since I moved out and as much as I love him – as much as I care about him – it reminds me why we are doing this.  He NEEDS this space, this alone time, to figure out exactly what he wants and where he wants to be in his life.  In the meantime, I can use this time to figure out who I am alone, single, and by myself.  I have a feeling I will learn more about myself in the next few months than in the last couple of years.

I think I am seeing C on Thursday night to get some more things of mine, and then again on Sunday when I take him to the airport – where I wont see him for approx 2 months or more.  I keep wondering if when I actually drop him off at the airport and realize just how long it will be until I see him next is this going to all really hit me.  It’s like I don’t understand how I’m not falling apart every minute, so I keep waiting for it to happen.  Cross your fingers that it wont…

It was a new year.  2008 will be GREAT was all I was hearing from everyone and I was starting to believe it.  Although there was still a writer’s strike here in Hollywood, I was working like crazy on other projects.  C and I were doing well (of course we were when we weren’t talking about the “real” issues), although he still wasn’t working.

Some time in January, he found out he was getting a 4 week gig going on tour with a band to produce behind the scenes footage.  I could tell he was excited, since he would be able to a) work, b) get paid, and c) travel – the thing he liked the most.  I was super excited for him, although still not LOVING the idea of him being away for so long.  But I got over that pretty quickly.

We talked about 5 times a day while he was gone.  He was working crazy hard, and overly stressed, yet he never went a few hours without sending some sort of text, email, or calling me.

He returned on February 13, the day before Valentine’s Day.  When I got home from work, we started to cook dinner and as I opened a bottle of wine, he turned to me and said, “I was going to wait until V day, but I don’t want to wait another day to tell you that I think I am FINALLY ready to get married.”

I almost passed out.

(Sidenote:  During all of this time, my stepdad was building condos that my mom was DYING for C and I to move into.  They were going to be GORGEOUS – brand new, 2 bdrms, 3 baths, washer/dryer, central AC (which we don’t have in our current place), etc.  The best part was that for the first 9 months, we would be on a month-to-month lease, which we then could use those months of rent towards a down payment if we were happy there.  It couldn’t have been a better situation.)

The morning after C told me this news, I woke up ridiculously early and called my mom with the good news.  She was so happy for me, and immediately said “you guys HAVE to move into these condos now!”, since my only reservation before was his fear of commitment (which I felt was o.v.e.r.).

We went out for Valentine’s Day that weekend and over oysters and champagne, we talked about our future – moving into the condo, and outdoor or indoor wedding, etc… It was perfect.

A couple of weeks later, C and I were taking a walk around our neighborhood and passed a futon store.  I mentioned that since we will have two bedrooms and his parents were planning on coming to visit sometimes, we should just check out prices.  As we were looking around this futon store, I noticed C couldn’t have been more disinterested.  So I casually brought it up to him that I noticed it seemed like he wasn’t excited to move, or just about a future. 

We were sitting on the couch, and he looked at me and said “You’re right, I guess I’m still not ready”.  Cut to one of the worst days of my life.