The other day I was having a conversation about something that happened last year when I was stopped mid-sentence to be told that I have an incredible memory with chronological order – or something like that. I don’t disagree. For whatever reason, in a situation, like dating or a job or a vacation, I will remember every week, almost every day to a fault. Especially when it comes to dating. This could very easily be because I am the world’s BIGGEST overthinker and overanalyzer, and I will literally lay in bed, daydream while driving to work, or stare at the wall thinking about the timeline of the situation.
For that reason, I will recap my last “chapter” of my life by explaining month to month.
I was still dating hot boy. Things were going pretty well – actually, I should say great when things were good, but pretty shitty when things were bad… examples to follow. I did know I enjoyed spending time with him for the most part – hell, sometimes I was even able to admit to myself that being with him was better than being alone on a Saturday night. I suppose you could say I never really truly fell for him, but the sex was great and he was fun to look at among some other things.
However, I always was left with a strange feeling when with him. Almost like I knew he liked me, yet I always felt alone. An example is around the 4th of July. At this point we had been dating for 1 1/2 months and we were spending most of our weeks together. I remember it was the 3rd and he still hadn’t asked me what I was doing for the holiday. I could have made other plans but I really liked him at the time and was hoping I would be able to spend it with him. A bunch of us from work went out for drinks after work and after 1 or 2 hours, hot boy was getting ready to go to meet some of his friends. He looked at me, gave me a hug and said “have a nice weekend”. I remember being floored – wait, was he really not going to want to spend the 4th with me?? An hour or two later as I drove home, I couldn’t help but call him and confront him (I’m sure the tequila didn’t really help my willpower). He wasn’t being overly nice or sympathetic to my disappointment, but he did say “my friends and I haven’t made any solid plans for tomorrow but you’re more than welcome to join if you want”. You can imagine how shitty that made me feel. Like, thanks dude, I’m welcome to join – but do you WANT me to come? I had too much pride at that moment to tell him that I would hang with him so I said I wasn’t sure and that we’d talk later.
I remember getting home that evening and breaking down in tears. OMFG I was single and this was the first holiday that I would have to fend for myself. Sure, I knew of certain parties and bbq’s that I was invited to but I wanted to spend it with the guy that I was dating! After a couple of hours of talking things out with my mom and a girlfriend, I came to a realization – this man, this hot boy was not a replacement to C. He was a guy whom I was casually dating, and he hardly owed me anything. It’s almost like I realized it all at once. Hot boy called me that evening and was acting really sweet. He apologized for not thinking about inviting me – he’s a guy that doesn’t plan things, he thought I was obviously gonna hang with him, yadda yadda, blah blah blah. I told him right then that I realized he doesn’t owe me anything and if I learned one thing that evening, it was to not have any expectations when it came to him. He text me that evening “I never said I didn’t want you to expect anything from me – I want you to have expectations and I want to meet them”.
The next day he surprised me in the morning with coffee and a bagel. We spent the 4th going from party to party and it was a great day all around – minus some bickering here and there (did I mention we bickered in our relationship? No, scratch that. We FOUGHT – a lot). We went to bed naked in each other’s arms and I woke up the next morning on Saturday feeling really happy – excited for what we would do the rest of the weekend. Except that wasn’t the case. He woke up and after some coffee, he put on his clothes and wished me a great weekend.
So after all of that? I spent my Saturday night alone.
Basically, in the beginning-ish of our relationship when I really liked him, I found myself being left hanging a lot. I felt there was a lot of waiting around for him to call, or come over, or ask me to hang out (of course things ended up changing later just as I started to like him less – isn’t that always how it works?).
Of course we still had a lot of fun and laughs and how can I forget the sex, but we would consistently get into arguments. He was passionate – SUPER passionate, and we wouldn’t be able to hold back when it came to each other. It was either full on lust/love/whatever you want to call it, or anger, fighting, tears. The whole thing. We would literally have to make a pact to not fight on a given day and even then we would find some way to be sensitive about something that one of us said, which would turn to being defensive and then of course ANGRY.
Let’s just hope that it’s for good this time.
Over the last few days I have contemplated getting back into my blog – when I was writing I felt it was really helping me sort my thoughts and my overly saturated mind. I have a few reservations : the commitment to writing (apparently I’m scared of commitment?) and the fact that some of the people that read my blog are now friends – whether I’ve met them in person or even on facebook. Either way, it’s a bit scary for me to put it all out on the table – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because believe me, there has been a LOT of all of that in the past few months since I last wrote.
I also feel that most of the people that I am friends with outside of my blog also have loved me and supported me through everything that they have heard before – and for that I will continue to be honest (although judgement can and probably will arise) and totally real. In fact, it kind of shocks me how much I haven’t actually written about – for fear of judgement from anyone out there, but especially me. Oh well, what’s in the past is in the past and it’s all a part of me, my backstory, my life. There’s no reason to hold back…
Filed under: Uncategorized
So I was about 95% sure I was over it. Over the past, over the relationship with C, over the prospect of us ever getting back together, over it all. Sure, the conversation that we had when he wanted to get back together and move our relationship to the next level stirred up some pretty strong and obviously still raw emotions, but almost immediately after, I had found myself back at the place I was before the phone call – happy with hot work boy, enjoying being single, and taking the “ignorance is bliss” stance.
Meanwhile, things were going really, really well with hot work boy. We spent the ENTIRE weekend together a couple of weeks back – from Friday night to Monday morning. We had great meals, went on a beautiful drive up the coast, had margaritas, went out with friends, laughed, had great sex (and A LOT of it), and just had an all around good time. We have similar personalities and tend to butt heads sometimes but both of us made a conscious choice not to and it worked out wonderfully.
The following Monday I met him out with his friends to go see a comedy show and when he walked me to my car we stood there kissing like teenagers. It was so great.
The following night he asked me if he could take me out to dinner. We went to this great tapas restaurant, shared an amazing bottle of wine and noshed on awesome bites, but the whole time I felt like I had to pinch myself. This guy made me feel alive. I LOVE talking to him, and love the way he looks at me, and also, on top of that, think he is GORGEOUS. Just as I was thinking all of this to myself, he looked at me and told me that he thinks I am beautiful, and feels so lucky to have met me. My heart practically melted.
Sounds great, huh?
Well it was. Then things started to just be off a bit. We spent the rest of the week apart, as I had to teach and dinners and plans, and over this last weekend he went back home to visit his family (did I mention his family lives 30 minutes away from C’s family in Northern Illinois?? – How FUCKED is that?). Friday night I stopped at Best Buy to pick up a DVD before meeting my family for dinner and walking through the aisles, I got blown over my an insanely strong wind of emotion – I missed C. There, at Best Buy of all places, I almost started to cry.
The next day I text C to congratulate him on signing his new lease (thank you Facebook). We text back and forth a few times until I got the inevitable text – “when are we having dinner?” I sat there, staring at it for a long time, wrestling with my thoughts. Did I really want to see him or was I just missing him because hot boy was gone? Am I really that girl that can’t be alone without a man in my life at all times? Was I really ready to sit one-on-one with C, and deal with everything that that would bring into my life? Or did I want to continue in my “ignorance is bliss” ways?
After about an hour, I text him back that I would be free this Tuesday to see him. He immediately called me, extremely excited, and asked me where I would want to go. We decided on a casual place and before I knew it, it was Tuesday at 7 pm.
I got to the restaurant and was highly anxious. No idea why. I didn’t feel nervous, but sitting there I started to get shaky and wonder what I was getting myself into. I was worried he would come in and be the same depressed C that I had lived with for the past year, and I would find myself comforting him and being his cheerleader. Wow was I wrong.
He walked in and looked great. New haircut, tanned, new shirt. I immediately complimented him on his shirt because it really was that hot and he said he got it specifically because he knew I would like it. We sat down, ordered some sake and sushi and jumped right into conversation. Nothing serious, just a bit about his new job, and my job, and his new apt, and my apt, and our families, and just the normal stuff you talk about with old friends. I laughed an insane amount which was pretty interesting – I never remembered C making me laugh like he did that night. And the whole time we sat there, even through the laughter I was holding back tears. Why? Who knows. There was just something about the happy, wonderful dinner that made me sad.
It was only when he half-jokingly asked me if I had any tips about living alone that I couldn’t help it – tears just started flowing. Hard. He felt so bad because he didn’t think I was going to cry, and then he told me something that made me stop crying – something so mature and sweet – he said that no matter what decision I make, no matter what ends up happening between us, he always wants to be my friend.
Since then I have been acting quite distant from hot boy. I don’t know why, because I in no way have made any decisions or feel any closer to making a decision on what I feel and what I should do. Being with C that night was so much fun and great and truly did make me happy – but I still don’t feel like that makes me want to get back together with him. And hot boy? We’ll just have to see where that goes.
I’ll start with a disclaimer – I am ALL over the place in my life right now. I have absolutely no idea which way is up or down, and definitely no idea where I’ll be next week or a month from now in certain areas… wanna know why?
First of all, things with hot boy at work are pretty good, yet also pretty up and down. What do I mean by that? Well I would describe hot boy as passionate, smart, witty, hot (of course), and also quite immature. When things are good, they are really good. Lots of laughing, playful banter, making out, cuddling, enjoying eachother’s company. However, both he and I are very similar, and therefore we both have extremely strong personalities and also are pretty sensitive. We also feed off eachothers energy more than I ever have with anyone else. And did I mention he was immature? Yeah, also quite insecure at times too. Am I making sense? For example, if he came over and didn’t kiss me when he first walked in, I would act a little stand-offish, and because I was acting a bit distant, he would then completely become cold as well. However, if he came over and I made a point to hug and kiss him, he would be in a great mood, affectionate and sweet, and of course then so would I.
It’s the strangest thing, and I don’t even think I am doing the situation justice because it sounds so much better when I talk about it or think about it in my head. However, like I said, when things are good, they are great… and that’s why it makes it all worth it. Is hot boy someone who I could see as my future boyfriend? NO. But he for sure could be my “right now-rebound” guy… Let’s just hope feelings don’t get hurt.
In bigger news, last Monday C got back from his two month around the world trip and I knew that there was no more ignoring I could do regarding where we stood. On Tuesday, C met me outside of my office when I got to work so that I could give him his car key. I could tell he was a little withdrawn, not looking at me in the eyes, giving short answers, etc. I knew that he must have been going through some stuff, being that he was away for over two months and was just getting back into “reality”. I just tried to be cordial and sweet, hugged him and gave him his key.
The following evening he sent me a text, just something funny that made me laugh. So I texted him back. And he texted me back. I didn’t really feel like texting all night, or talking to him, so I tried to text him back short responses that would hopefully give him the sense that I was trying to end the conversation. Not so lucky. He text me “maybe you and I could get together for coffee, wine, cheese, or cupcakes?” (All of my favorite things. I wrote back “maybe next week? I’m pretty busy this week.” He immediately called me.
It was a long conversation and I wont bore you with the details. But, in a nutshell, C basically proposed to me. He said he felt like he was lost and was making a mistake, and now being back in LA and feeling like himself again, he feels like he is ready to take our relationship to the next level – marriage. Like, soon.
The tears were flowing, HEAVILY. Why? Not even so sure. Were they tears of joy? Absolutely not. More like tears of frustration, sadness, confusion. All I know is that I had NO response for him – no words. Not yes, not no. I just cried. He felt horrible for making me upset, but he just wanted me to know how he felt before it was “too late”. I still don’t truly get what that means. I mean, isn’t it too late already? We hung up with him saying that the ball is in my court.
I didn’t do anything about it for the rest of the week. First of all, I was busy and just couldn’t be bothered with it. Secondly, I had no idea what I would say. On Saturday morning, I woke up and went to the gym. The whole time during my run I was feeling sad about C. Sad that he had poured his heart out to me and I hardly spoke a word before we hung up, and then left him waiting for a few days with no response. (Sidenote: can I please STOP feeling guilty for other people when I have NO REASON TO????)
I sent him a text saying “just wanted you to know I haven’t forgotten about our conversation… I just dont really have much to say about it”. He immediately called me back. The conversation was good – light and easy, and he essentially told me that he felt bad about putting me in a strange position. He didn’t want to pressure me at all – just wanted to tell me how he felt and I could do with it what I want (yeah, thanks). He also told me that I could take 2 weeks or 10 months to go back to him, or never if I felt I didn’t have anything to tell him. He also agreed that he needs to live on his own, start his job and experience being single as I have these past few months before he can be sure where he stands. Regardless, I felt a lot better about the situation after that conversation… Now, all I have to do is figure out what or where I want my life to go… which path to choose.
Never did I think I would be so confused. My heart and head are in different places. My heart is saying that I don’t love him anymore, I’m already “out” of that mindset and I shouldn’t go back into the relationship. My head is saying that he was such an amazing boyfriend (obvi minus the few things) – supportive, loving, sweet, caring, and what if I never find that special guy again?
Either way, I have since decided that I’m not going to worry about it, or think about it too much. The right answer will come to me I’m sure. I’m just going to continue dating – whether it be hot boy or any new boys (there’s one prospect that I will tell you all more about it it actually amounts to anything). Or I’ll be alone. Which I need to learn to be okay with – you know, the scary thought of being alone on a Saturday night? Yeah, that. I need to be okay with not having a guy by my side at all times, be okay with not having a guy that likes me, that calls or texts me. That’s my current mission. Advice?
Life has been quite crazy the last few weeks. I mean, who would have thought that being single meant NEVER a) sleeping, b) staying in, or c) NOT DRINKING. Because, my friends, I have become a drinking, going out almost ever night insomniac!
OK, well that was a little exagerrated. But just a little.
Things, in general are pretty good. I mean, minus the occasional hiccup. The new hot boy and I are still seeing eachother – pretty often in fact – about 4 times a week OUTSIDE of work. Yes, I am aware that it’s a lot and probably not the healthiest thing in the world – but when something feels good and right at the time, it’s sorta kinda worth it, right? Right?
I know that the probability of it working out well is slim to none… if one of us ends it with the other it may be awkward considering we see each other ALL OF THE TIME at work… and yes, I know the saying “don’t shit where you eat”… well, apparently I enjoy doing that since I met two of my previous boyfriends at work.
But there is just something about hot boy. Sure, he’s hot and physically, definitely something I like… but he’s also witty, and funny, and smart, and challenges me. Something that I didn’t have too much of in my last relationship. Sure, C was nice and sweet and loving and supporting (all things that are essential and extremely important in a relationship), but at times our interactions and relationship in general lacked something – you know, that something that keeps you completely engaged and interested and excited and enthralled, etc…
Speaking of C, he came back to LA for a few hours last Thursday and stopped by my work to see me. We had briefly discussed where we stand now the day before I saw him on IM, and it seemed that we were both on the same page – he and I cannot date. At this point, it’s all or nothing… And at this point, neither he nor I feel like we’re ready for “all” – meaning marriage. I know that I definitely have learned a lot about myself and about what I feel I need in a relationship these past few weeks, and there is a strong chance that I will never be able to get back together with C knowing what I know now.
I also failed to mention that I am dating someone else. There were a few reasons for that – first of all, I wasn’t going to tell him while he was across the world, and I wasn’t going to tell him the whole story when he was here for 5 minutes. I figure that when he moves back to LA and if he wants to get involved again, he will have to know. What do you guys suggest? Tell him or no?
SO that is my life right now… filled with excitement, fun, and a good amount of sex. There, I said it. BTW, also wanted to mention I still read your blogs – don’t always comment but I am definitely still reading them… 🙂
Filed under: dating
OK, so I’ve apparently REALLY slacked off since starting this new blog. I just realized it’s been over a month and I’ve only written 11 posts. Who am I?
Well, I guess a newly single girl who has gone out almost every single night of every week and whose mind is always and consistently all over the place.
There, I said it.
Things have been pretty interesting for the last few weeks. First of all, hot boy at work? (If it continues, I’ll have to think of a better name for him)… We have spent a ton of time together in the last 2 weeks – we’ve gone out for drinks, dinner, seen a comedy show, drove to Palm Springs for the day, I’ve met his friends, and on Saturday he took me to dinner and the major thing is that he’s slept over twice already and on Friday we went all the way (omigod could i sound more like a high school girl? – actually, I never had sex until I was 19…).
The truth is that I knew sex was going to happen any time soon. Our physical chemistry is pretty undeniable, and the fact that we really get along and enjoy eachother’s company can’t hurt either, right? However, it doesn’t change the fact that it was SO WIERD actually having sex with another man. Like, even though I was enjoying it IMMENSELY (sorry if this is all t.m.i.), I was totally preoccupied with thoughts of C… almost guilty thoughts. But I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not doing anything wrong – C and I are broken up and as far as I’m concerned, he can do whatever he wants with someone else and that would be fine with me.
Hot work boy did notice something was a little off with me when he was trying very hard to pleasure me and as much as it did feel good, I just couldn’t “fully” enjoy myself – if you’re catching my drift. BTW, this is not something that I normally struggle with so I was a little disturbed by it. Luckily, hot boy is also a smart boy and made me so comfortable that I literally forgot there was an issue at all. All in all, I’ve enjoyed myself. 🙂
Another nice thing about this little thing going on with hot boy is that there are no real expectations – he knows that I’m most likely not ready to get into anything super serious, and he’s told me that he also is not looking for a serious relationship. However, we both are open that we enjoy spending time with one another and until the fun stops, why stop?
C and I have remained in touch. He is still traveling the world (he has been gone for over 3 weeks already!) and we are constantly emailing back and forth. The other night I got home late and got on Facebook and next thing you know a chat box popped up from C… it was so strange to actually talk in real time. Good, but a bit wierd.
BUT – the worst possible thing happened on Saturday. I had just come home from a meeting and was quickly getting ready for my date with hot boy ( I knew he was coming to pick me up in the next half hour) when I quickly checked Facebook and there was another chat box from C. He asked if I could get on Skype, so that we could actually talk to eachother and hear eachother’s voices, and I would be able to see him but he couldn’t see me because my camera on my computer wasn’t hooked up. I knew that I was running a bit late but I still wanted to hear C’s voice and see his face.
When we first started talking I told him that I had plans with my girlfriend so that he wouldn’t be a little surprised when I would have to leave. He was telling me stuff about his trip, and although it was nice to chat back and forth, there really wasn’t much to talk about… you would think the complete opposite with him being away for so long but it all kind of just reiterates to me why we aren’t right for eachother right now?
Anyway, as we were talking there was a knock on my door. I went and answered it and there was hot boy at my door! I had completely expected him to call me from downstairs so I was totally freaked out. I quietly whispered to him that I was talking to C and he awkwardly went into the other room to wait. Meanwhile, C had no idea anyone was there and continued to tell me how much he missed me and then – actually asked if I was seeing anyone else. I just about peed my pants right there and told him I wasn’t… don’t ask me why but I just couldn’t say anything right then and there. Regardless, most awkward moment of the weekend BY FAR.
Where to even begin… my life has been so ridiculously busy and crazy, and I just haven’t had the energy and/or time to post at all. Here’s a recap of whats been going on:
- C and I have been keeping in touch here and there thru email. Mostly though, I catch up on his life on Facebook, of all things. The last email he sent me, he sounded fairly happy until he brought up that my changing my status on Facebook to “single” really hurt him. I emailed him back and told him that these kinds of things dont really matter… but what matters is that we see how happy we can be on our own. I also told him that I didn’t realize how stressful the past few months were when we were deciding the course of our relationship until I moved out and he left town. It was only then that I could feel like I could BREATHE. That email was sent a week ago and he hasn’t sent me one back yet. The only way I can see what he is up to is through Facebook, where the last 15 or so new friends of his have been girls. Very inneresting…
- Not that I’m jealous – because I’m really not. In fact, I have kinda been hanging out with this guy at work. There could potentially be many problems with this. First of all, he is in a lower position at work which I know shouldn’t be wierd but it is a bit for me. Also, we work together. COULD BE A PROBLEM. But, omigod is he hot and sooooo sexy. And we laugh – like all the time. And conversation? NEVER a problem. It just works. But there are some fears on both of our ends about not getting too involved, or feelings getting too strong because a) I just got out of my relationship b) we work together… ugh – why cant things ever just be easy!
- I still LOVE my apartment and love living alone – although I have to admit that I haven’t spent too many days alone there at night. I have just been SO busy every night that I think I have only had about two or three nights after work where I go home to just my dvr. I’m kinda craving that tonight actually.
- In general, my spirits have been high. The only downer to all of this “single” stuff is I find that I have spent more money, drank more alcohol, and slept less hours than I have in a LONG time!